How Not to Spend Your 20’s

I’m not a real person, 

not anymore 

my body just a vessel 

in constant turmoil 

every morning a handful of pills 

a carefully considered meal 

electrolyte drops and powders 

a routine of stretching or meditation 

all to calm the nerves 

my body aches in ways I can't articulate 

each week a new crisis, new doctor, 

new update to my medical forms 

The doctors confused always say 

this is alot for someone my age 

I never know what to respond

it's been more than words can share 

It's removed me from shared reality

I exist only in liminal spaces

anxious lonely waiting rooms 

Bedridden in my own empty house, 

closed door observation rooms 

waiting for more empty news 

Google Docs listing new meds, 

new supplements to try

search histories of research into every diagnosis

I am but a list of symptoms

all I know is every feeling

each muscle spasm, each dizzy sway as my head turns, 

the same questions asked again and again 

I answer hesitantly 

in case I'm wrong about my own body 

days im so weak my hands falter, 

sweat pours from unknown heat 

even as my goosebumps form from cold.

maybe its all in my head, just stand up 

keep going, just keep going

I don't know how to be a person anymore

when energy is so rationed 

my brain function feeling distant 

overworked by the overwhelm of signals my body sends

I am no longer young

The young go dancing, they date, they drink, they hangout with friends and hold conversations

the young work, and travel

the young live 

while I am here trying 

their reality is distant 

and mine a trap